Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken