Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.