Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
What a website
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.