Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
You’ll be OK
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.