Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.