Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
inventing words: clothing
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.