Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
They did not miss in the small print
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.