I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
You Might Also Like
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.