New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit