National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*