Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
LOL!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”