My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
This is Sparta
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!