I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
nyc:
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.