At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.