[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.