I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Every haunted house movie:
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL