Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
grotesque if literal: baby food
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits