(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?