Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“