On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”