[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.