[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Smile Twitter, Smile.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself