Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
You Might Also Like
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
All excellent questions
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
But is it really??
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin