KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”