Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me