my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.