What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
You Might Also Like
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
He just like my cat fr
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine