Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Support your local cemetery
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”