I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sniffing the broccoli
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Nice try Hitler
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.