Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You Might Also Like
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
i’m still crying at this
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine