Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?