This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now