A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Social distancing in Australia:
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas