Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You Might Also Like
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
😂 amazing answer
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole