buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*