Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
You Might Also Like
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better