Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I only treason on days ending in y
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
A bad analogy is like a cucumber