If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days