I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.