Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I just tested negative for patience.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!