Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
All excellent questions
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.