You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Very good news from my accountant
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…