PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
When I snag the last meatball.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything