I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
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I’m going to need a moment here.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?