I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.