People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
You have been warned.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.