people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE