Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
This raises questions
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!