[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.