This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
at ease…shoulder.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
A friend sent me this.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
me hooking up with my ex
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Never be a pizza!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash